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WELL THE DAY STARTED AND I WAS CHECKING MY MAIL, WHEN I CHECKED MY MYSPACE I HAD A MESSAGE FROM AN OLD FRIEND, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE A GIRL, AND HAPPENS TO BE A GIRL I AM STILL MADLY IN LOVE WITH, BUT I AM ALSO IN LOVE WITH MY FIANCE AND HER SON WHAT DO I DO I LVOE MY FIANCE AND CANT LOOSE HER BUT THEN THERE IS THIS OTHER GIRL WHO I STILL AM IN LOVE WITH, IM SO CONFUSED ITS NOT FUNNY, GOD DO I NEED HELP. HOW DO I MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE, I KNOW THAT EITHER ONE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE ME FOREVER BUT I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT I AM DOING ANYMORE, HAS ANYONE EVER HAD THIS MOMENT IN THERE LIFE WERE YOU WAKE UP AND REALIZE THAT YOU ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH A FORMER GF, GOD IF THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME HOW DO WE HANDLE IT AND OF COURSE SHE DOESNT KNOW SHE NEVER HAS SO I GUESS I COULD JUST LEAVE IT ALON AND GO ON MY WAY BUT THEN THERE ARE THE WHAT IFS, I DONT WANT TO GET MARRIED THEN ALWAYS WONDER WHAT IF, BUT I CANT LOOSE THIS WONDER FUL PERSON AND HER SON WITHER, I CER RUMBA SO LOST IN THIS THING THAT WE CALL LOVE AND SO NEED SOME PROFESINAL HELP.

"There is a moment in every day that the devil cannot find."

- William Blake

Dear Journal,

�Alright well me and caitlin got in a pointless online fight the other day which didnt make sense but whatever. Caitlin and taylor hung out and you know what that means trouble. So they called me and i pretended to be in the shower so they wouldnt rub something in my face like they did last time. So, after i called them and they said 'briana if we tell you something you promise you wont get mad'. So my heart was thumping like fuckk. So i thought they were gonna be like 'briana we dont wanna be friends with you anymore cause your this or that' making some weird shit up. So... it wasnt it was completely different they said we drank last night and know we're having hang overs. So idk if it's real probably not cause taylor said that breanna and her were cousins? yeah i bet sweetie I bet. But idk if it's true hopefully not but caitlin is forgetting about her chance. So hopefully she'll come to her senses and finally ya know.. stop acting different when she's with taylor. So.. hopefully she'll change and her chance might not time out. Cause last time it almost did. Damn.. man i dont get it everytime when she's with taylor. I wonder what happened with caitlin and Katie L. they were best friends know they dont even talk but whatever it aint my bussineezz. Well.. it's 2:26 in the morning and im tired im gonna watch a movie then hopefully fall asleep. Well, peace out girl scout!

peace&love

weird.� I dunno what happened to the entry I was making.

- I have a schedule lock today for PFF from 9am to 3pm.� I'm only on "standby" for the code migration as the regular support folks are going to work with SS and learn how it's done.� I have to be ready for problems but I'm confident it'll go smoothly.

- This gives me time to work on other projects.

0- A bunch of CritSit notices went out for the Windows systems.

12:10 - Squirrelface wants to know why his auditing program can't log into Pan as root.� I'm just _floored_ by this.� He's an idiot.� This man is our Risk Management specialist.� He's the shop "security guy".� He's been involved in my project to shut off root for the last 9 months.� WTF is he thinking?

- He asked me how to set someone up in the group 0.� !!!

- This is what I have to deal with.� THIS.� Sometimes it makes me want to put a gun in my mouth and paint the walls with my brain.�

1:00 - Pam/LDAP meeting starts 10 minutes late.� I'm already pissed because of Squirrelface, and now everyone is late to the meeting.

1:10 - Fuck this.� They can call me.� I'm hanging up.

1:16 - Bastards.� Meeting start.

- If the people who audit our systems are going to ding us for allowing direct root login, then they shouldn't send us an auditing tool that can't run unless it's allowed to have direct root login.� I tell them to go fuck themselves and come back to me when they think their cunning plan all the way through.

2:30 - more ICD changes need to be done to Pan.� I realize my entire rant there makes me seem angry today, but I'm not.� I was just annoyed by that situation.� :)

I got alot that I need to express, hopefully this is the beginning.� Sometimes when I bottle up innocent emotions they eventually turn into rage.� If not rage then stress, I feel the stress right now and its becoming over-whelming.� I think back to when I was 18, that was the most stress free time of my life.� I try to attribute what made my life so stress free at that time.� Cetainly it wasnt because of lack of problems, was it because I could release my stress out by smoking pot? �� Maybe, cuz now Im not "allowed" to smoke pot, if I do then the wife will leave me.� I have secretly gotten high, a few times, and I get so paranoid about getting caught by her that I dont enjoy it.� So, I just avoid it altogether.� I cant believe I gave that up for her.

Ive given alot up for her.� I have sacrificed friends, money, time...lots and lots of time.� Then she cheats on me.� I only found out in January, I still think about it everyday and wonder if I made the right decision to stay with her.� I think she guilted me into it.� I was never unfaithful, but she said that I was miserable to be around because I hated my job so much, she siad it made me a person she didnt want to be around so she started looking for that spark in other men.� the funny thing is, she doesnt admit to sleeping with the one guy that I found out about.� She claims that she only talked to him and that she cheated on me before we were married due to having cold feet.� But the guy i found out about, I actually called him.� He says that they slept together after we were married.� I asked why he would say such a thing, what motive would he have to lie to me, what would he gain out of it?� I cant think of anything, maybe if he werent married then I could see him lying to me so that the two of them could be together but thats not the case.� When I confronted her about it, she was gonna leave me.� I had to beg her to stay... go figutre that one out.� She cheats, then I beg her to stay.� Im basically giving her a license to kill.

Why did I stay with her?� Love, I guess.� i felt that i somehow was the cause of this.� that it was my fault she cheated, I still fell like Im the one to blame.� I know Im afraid to be alone.� I cant imagine dating again, especially now that im balding, over-weight, going grey, lost some of my teeth... at least when I was a teenager I was just over-weight.� At the time that was difficult enough, but looking back on it now, it doesnt seem so bad.� Im 27 years old and I look and feel like Im 70.� I fucking hope I live a very short life cuz I am not happy with it, and Im too chicken shit to kill myself.

What do I hope to achieve from this journal?� Some stress relief, get some things off my chest, that might help me to cope with day to day life.� I have alot of baggage, I have done some really shitty things and I have had alot fo shitty things happen to me.� they have been bottled up inside forever and they are eating me up inside, so I guess its time for a release, otherwise I know I will self-destruct.� For now though, the thing that haunts me daily is my marriage, until i can get past that i wont be able to explore the past.� Hopefully this helped me a bit.� Maybeone day i will get fed up and finally do something that makes ME happy for a change, rather than putting everyone ahead of myself.